Got to share this. My debut picture book Kirkus-approved.
I know relationships from both a work and personal perspective. What I want to share as a level-2 certified PACT therapist (https://thepactinstitute.com/dividedpage/what-is-pact/) applies to intimate relationships with or without the influence of ADHD. PACT stands for Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (fancy, I know).
When a couple enters into troubled territory, its members can turn to each other for solace and connection, right? Even when the trouble is each feels hurt and misunderstood by the other.
Right? Yes, some couples can. The secure functioning ones. The ones who understand that their relationship depends on this.
Many couples, however, do the opposite. They turn away. Each member feels too hurt, misunderstood, blamed, and afraid. Afraid of more of hurt, more of the same. Too caught up with thoughts of how the other one should know. Should know what I’m feeling, what I want. My hurt and mind. So the members turn away from each other and toward others and other interests to meet his/her own needs. One goes out with friends. The other delves into a creative venture. One joins a club. The other travels alone. Again and again looking outside the relationship for more and more. Each, little by little, turning away, and forgetting how to turn toward, each other. Until…it’s over.
If this is your relationship and you want to turn it around before you and your lover/partner/spouse kill it, try turning toward. Start by doing this physically. Get face-to-face, eye-to-eye with your partner, close enough to see each other’s pupils. Hold for a few minutes. Keep your faces soft and friendly. It may sound simple but can be really hard for couples to do. So no judgments. Of yourself or your partner. Approach it playfully. Then rinse, wash, repeat, as Stan Tatkin, the developer of PACT, likes to say.
My hope is that, for each member, this may be a start to turning toward, and getting to know, the person you once loved fiercely and may find yourself loving fiercely again.
As prior research out of MIT (Go, Go, Go and Slow, Slow, Slow?), research out of Oregon Health Sciences University (OHSU) recently examined the coordination between two brain networks: the task positive network(s) and the default mode network. These networks have largely opposite functions. In the first–task positive network(s)–there’s increased activity when we have a particular task that demands focus, letting us start and sustain attention on the task. In the second–the default mode network–there’s increased activity when we have no particular task to do. In adults without ADHD, per the MIT research, these two networks cooperate: When it’s time for one to get on stage, the other fades into the background. In adults with ADHD, these networks are uncooperative and can compete for attention at the same time.
In kids with ADHD, according to the results of the OHSU study (here), we see the same lack of coordination/cooperation between the networks as compared to children without ADHD, with this lack of coordination between networks increasing with age.
The result? Mixed signals. Attentional interference. Or, as the researchers put it, decreased attentional control. A reminder that behavior reflects brain activity, coordinated or otherwise.
Of interest, the OHSU researchers found that the brains of female children overall, with or without ADHD, showed more coordination between the opposing networks than the brains of male children.
One resource focuses on children and teens; the other is for adults. Both can be remarkably useful for those with ADHD.
The first is understood.org (here) for “learning and attention issues.” What it offers is vast and, though, it’s targeted to parents of children and teens with ADHD, many adults with ADHD can find it of use. Much of what’s suggested for teens applies to adults, except for the context (e.g., work vs. school). Also, given that 25-35% of parents of youth with ADHD are likely to have ADHD (source), parents using the site may want to use the recommendations for themselves as well as their children.
The second resource is JAN, Job Accommodation Network (here), which is all about workplace accommodations for employers and employees needing or wanting to know what the American with Disabilities Act (ADA) encompasses, including job coaches…even the possibility of free ones. Who knew? From what I can tell, fewer than would have liked to have known.
I hope something here is of use to you.
In the realm of ADHD research, OHSU professor Joel Nigg, Ph.D. is a major player. He recently outlined the latest understanding of ADHD and three major confusions that have hurt this understanding (here).
Confusion #1: It’s easy to fix.
Reality: Long-term follow-up studies show that even the best “fixes” for ADHD barely change its long-term life outcomes.
Confusion #2: It’s no big deal, anyway.
Reality: Childhood ADHD has a strong association with future antisocial behavior, school and work failure, incarceration, and more, including serious injuries, shortening life spans.
Confusion #3: It’s just inherited or it’s just a result of the environment.
Reality: Its development appears to be a combination of uncommon gene mutations AND genetic factors common across psychiatric disorders, WITH the expression of these mutations and factors dependent on experience/environment (e.g., exposure to toxins/pollutants/contaminants).
The truth about us humans appears to be that we are just more complex and complicated than we’d like to believe sometimes. This includes the reality that you, if you have ADHD, are more complex and complicated than it is. It is a complex part of a complex you.
The Dodo bird quote from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland came to mind as I read the results of a recent study. A randomised, controlled fMRI study of the effects of mindfulness and psychoeducation on the working memory of adults with ADHD found they both worked (for more on working memory, see What predicts ADHD symptom reduction over time?).
After 8 wks, both interventions were found to increase working memory performance and to increase task-related right parietal lobe brain activity to a similar degree (study here). Although I’d like to see the results for a third group who received neither intervention (to rule out any placebo effect), the good news is that, under both conditions, working memory increased. What would be interesting to see next is what happens when we combine mindfulness and psychoeducation.
In my last post about ADHD and Relationships, I mentioned The ADHD Effect on Marriage. The author, Melissa Orlov, wrote the book after her husband with ADHD was unfaithful to her, and she began to examine the dynamics of their relationship. Their relationship survived. But, as Ms. Orlov points out, many others die. She writes, “Research suggests that rates of marital dysfunction and divorce are about twice as high for people with ADHD as they are for people without it” (here).
And there are no books or research (that I can find) on the ADHD effect on divorce. So how might ADHD come into play during a divorce? I hope there will be more research on this, but what I can say is that it makes sense to expect that the ADHD will show up. The impulsivity, procrastination/lack of follow-through, aversion to low-interest/boring/tedious tasks, disorganization, etc. that the ADHD label describes will be present through a divorce just as through a marriage.
This likely will look different ways. Impulsivity may show up as an unexpected announcement by the spouse with ADHD that s/he is leaving and wants a divorce (as one with ADHD might at work say, “I quit!” without having thought it all through). Aversion to tedious tasks along with procrastination may show up as unfinished divorce paperwork and missed deadlines. Disorganization may appear through lost paperwork or reliance on the spouse or others for reminders of events, etc. I hope you get the idea.
Just as ADHD affects marriage (see ADHD and Relationships link at the top), it affects the end of a marriage, too. Maybe, one day, we’ll know more about how, so that both parties involved know what to expect.