ADHD and Relationships

We know intimate relationships are hard.

When you have ADHD, they’re even harder.

How so?

Research suggests discontent and disloyalty among the reasons, but, hold off on nodding knowingly.  The discontent and disloyalty may be on a different side than you imagine.

Research suggests that it’s the partner with ADHD who’s likely to be unhappy.  Again, the one with ADHD (the opposite of what many might guess).

One study found that adults with ADHD had more negative perceptions of their relationships and families than their non-ADHD spouses did.  These perceptions were also more negative than members of couples where neither had ADHD (see here).

Research also indicates that ADHD’s associated with a higher rate of infidelity.  One study delved into this a little and found that “relational alternatives” were of “greater interest” when adults’ inattentive symptoms were high (see here).  (This same study found that when either inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were high, adults showed “less constructive responses” to a partner’s “bad behavior.”)

There’s more, but the picture painted is that relationships are harder.  Namely, harder to sustain (versus start).

So does this mean couple therapy early on? Probably a good idea.

But choose carefully.

Some couple therapies depend on out-of-session assignments, and this could be a set up for failure.

Fights might become about who does the homework and how much of it.

Some couple therapies, however, focus on experiencing useful ways of relating during the session.  When my group members ask me about couple therapy, this is the kind that I suggest.  One of these is Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT).

There’s no research-tested ADHD-specific couple therapy of which I am aware.  Instead, there are therapists who understand ADHD and offer couple therapy/counseling.

One of these is Melissa Orlov, the author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage.  Her book describes common patterns of relating between partners when only one has ADHD, and she offers couple counseling through her website (here).

Whatever you choose, I wish you happiness.